Shan’t

Shan’t!

This is a great word. It sounds like a contrary child having a tantrum, or a haughty overblown Letter To The Editor. It’s a great word for rebellion-roleplay. You don’t need to listen hard to hear the Make Me that comes along as a footnote. It’s incredibly fulfilling to say as well, to let out all that anger and frustration at the world – all your worst, naughty-child self out in the open.

It’s a word that says: I have needs, I have boundaries, I’m not afraid of myself. I’m going to try to remember to use it more often.

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Genderqueer thoughts

I’ve come to identify as genderqueer, which was a really difficult thing to understand but as soon as I did, I stopped worrying about gender altogether.

It’s like this. My body is usually interpreted as a woman’s and I’ve grown up as a girl. But I’m not either. It doesn’t make any practical difference most of the time. I am okay with  my body the way it is.

Most of my discomfort comes from being treated as a woman, which is very hard to distinguish from discomfort with sexism. I also don’t like ‘one of the girls’ type scenarios, being called ‘miss’, ‘madam’ or ‘lady’, having to use ‘ladies toilets’, and being seen as a woman by strangers.

This gets thrown into total confusion by my sexual preferences. These are  incredibly sexist and transparently awful, even cheesy. I enjoy role playing explicitly misogynistic fantasies  (mostly as a woman, but not always), but I can only do that with people that I feel comfortable understanding that a) it’s just fantasy and not OK in real life b) I’m not actually a woman anyway.

But I just don’t care that I don’t fit into a gender box. I’m happy that I can feel different genders at different times and am occasionally mystified that so many people feel like they are the same gender all the time.

 

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Genderfluid accessories

I vary in how I feel about gender. It’s easy when I feel like a woman, slightly more work when I feel femme or butch, insanely hard when I feel like a man. Most of the time I just feel like me – somewhere inbetween, answers to ‘woman’ but not ‘lady’ or ‘girl’.

I recently got a chest binder to help me with the last one and today have it on for the first time. It’s not a sexual thing for me at least not right now. It feels like a relief  because my breasts today were a serious encumbrance, one of them was/is hurting a bit for no real reason, they feel heavy and awkward and everywhere. I like that with clothes over the top I can run my hands over my chest and it feels like a male chest.

I also bought a flat cap, which doesn’t really do anyth foring me at all which is a shame as I had such high hopes!

The other issue is my hips and bum, which have definite feminine curves about them and which I don’t really have any ideas about.

I came up the other day with an outfit with braces, which I felt pretty good in though I don’t think it actually gave off as much of a male vibe as I’d like due to the other aspects of my body, so I definitely need some more props, signs and signals.

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Marriage

I used to want to never get married.

I saw it as a prison. Every relationship was a prison to some extent and as soon as I got into one I was looking for the way out.

I seemed to fall into relationships as the respectable way of getting to have sex or make connnectins with people and then find that this meant restrictions on my freedom that I was never asked if I wanted. I am a poor fit for monogamy.

My marriage is not a prison. Each of us in my marriage is free. We trust one another and we appreciate the things we do for one another but there is no imprisoning. No one tells me I cannot do something and I don’t tell D he can’t do anything, though we both are fully aware of how things we can choose to do might impact us, and choose wisely. We do a lot of things together (because we like each other, because we choose to do them) but there is no rule. We can and do go to things separately and we do not assume, though others sometimes do, that we are a unit. We are a team of two, both here by choice for this voluntary project we call marriage. We build it and see what it is as it comes.